For all the parents who are in the adolescent stage, what big lessons have YOU learned? I would love to know.
We have a 13 (soon to be 14) year old daughter and 15 year old son. We are hitting some bumps around parent imposed boundaries, integrity and social media, a perfect concoction for stress and headaches for all involved.
And while Jason and I are not daft, there are some things that just take longer to learn. As parents, the toolboxes we automatically use to address issues are the same ones our parents used on us. It’s easy and familiar. But when an employed method didn’t yield the result we are after, my husband and I are left exasperated, looking at each other, like “now what?”
As a public health nurse, I used to do home visits providing prenatal care for women and postpartum checks to assure women and their babies were doing well. Part of my education and counseling to these women was on parenting and telling them that it is ok to not know, to not have all the answers. The baby didn’t come with a standard operating procedure (SOP) manual. There’s a baby and a placenta, and hopefully only one of those goes home with you.
Our children are beyond the age of spanking (and yes, we spanked our children). The smart back talk may ignite a strong desire to throttle my child, but I have enough self-awareness and control to know better. They are at an age where talking is most appropriate. But how do you have a discussion with beings that aren’t fully matured adults. They are adolescents. Their brains are still developing, which has BIG implications on processing emotional cues and risk taking. Their friends will take priority over their family. They are wading into waters of independence and decision making. Their peers will influence some of that decision making. Did you know that the highest release of dopamine is during adolescence? Dopamine is a major neurotransmitter that drives pleasure seeking and often risky behaviors (think lots of “feel good brain juice”).
Jason and I prayed about how to handle a recurred transgression. This is what we have learned so far:
- We were grappling with feelings of betrayal, disappointment, and even anger. While these feelings are ok to feel, what we do with those feelings is important. It’s not ok to layer thick gobs of guilt on our children for making us feel bad or disappointed. I know my limitations of being able to have a constructive conversation about anything when something has occurred. I give myself some time to process those feelings and keep them in perspective.
- Clearly, what worked for one child, does not necessarily yield the same positive result with the other child. How many times have we heard “each child is different?” It’s obnoxious how this point rings true when it blindsides you after disciplining your teens. “Each child is different” makes sense when we are choosing gifts for our children, but less so when doling out consequences and discipline. What motivates them, their temperaments, their personality, their affinity or aversion to risk, what they define as success, what they define as failure is all dependent on each individual child.
- The transgression is not the child. The behavior and the child are separate. We love the child, not the behavior. We want to encourage the child, not the behavior. This is so hard to live out! But we have a wonderful teacher who modeled this. Jesus. He saw the person separate from the sin they committed. He saw the person as worthy of love and forgiveness. He would forgive their sins and tell them to turn away from sin (John 8:1-11).
- As teens, our children are more independent but that doesn’t mean they need us, their parents, any less. They need engaged present parents who not only profess love and support but demonstrate it by giving their time. Communicating with your children, knowing who their friends are, what they do, is not an invasion of their privacy, it’s necessary to stay informed on the every-day stuff that occurs. It’s important to know what “normal” is. How else would we know if something is wrong? It means listening to your teens. Like real, active listening, not just “uh-huh-ing” your way through what they are sharing, while you do other tasks. Giving your undivided attention to your child, even if for a short time, shows you value them and what they are sharing with you. Good parenting is consistency and this is so hard in our very busy lives. But if you only show up for the bad times, when they mess up, what’s modeled and demonstrated by that? Is that the only way they can get your attention?
Jason and I have been humbled as parents. We learned as many have, through trial and error. We continue to learn as we feel led through prayer and the love and support of family and friends.
This road is not for the faint hearted but so worth the perseverance and sacrifice.
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