Why are difficult conversations so difficult?
Many reasons come to mind but all have one thing in common: fear of hurting the person or making them feel less. And this is a legitimate fear because even the most well-intentioned discussions can have bad outcomes.
I used to think that having the courage to be honest was the most difficult thing about having a difficult conversation. For some this is the hard part. For me, it’s not. Instead, I discovered how impatient I actually am. It’s takes time, patience, and perseverance to sift through what’s underneath what was said or done. I am pragmatic and prefer to get things done efficiently and done once. And perhaps this works in nursing technique, workflows, cooking, or getting chores done. But pragmatism and efficiency are not the cornerstones of dealing with people, their feelings, and relationships…..it is anything but efficient …. it is messy.
In my previous years I can remember feeling my reservoir of patience getting dangerously low when dealing with difficult circumstances or even difficult people. My desperate attempts looked like a Looney Tunes cartoon where I was looking for patience under cups, chairs, rocks, inside desk drawers and grocery bags, ransacking room after room. This left me feeling exasperated and my reservoir of patience empty.
My walk with the Lord has transformed me (and it continues to) and given me new eyes. Now when I find myself dealing with a difficult circumstance, I see the person in front of me. Their intrinsic value and the care I feel for them is a newfound well God has given me to draw from in these difficult moments. It is God lending me his strength, his patience, his wisdom, his love to then turn around and lend it to the person in front of me.
Having a difficult conversation and unpacking the hurt is the stuff of marathons that both parties must partake. There are no shortcuts. The journey will test you. And in those moments of deep exhaustion and weariness when we think we can’t go on or we don’t know what to say or do…. we finally look up. Our Heavenly Father doesn’t need us to ask him for help, but his love for us requires that act of volition, that invitation to help us. And in those precious moments when the Lord responds to our guttural cries for help, we are most apt to yield to his touch and how he is shaping us, transforming us, sanctifying us. In these humble moments, the content of our heart changes, and what comes out of our mouths are life-giving words (Luke 6:45).
“Lord by your Holy Spirit, perfect the fruit of my lips. Teach me to speak beautiful, life-giving words that will release sweetness to our souls and inner healing to our spirits.”
Germaine Copeland, Prayers that avail much (p.110 & 418)
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