Tomorrow we leave to move our son into his college dorm. Emotions come crashing expectantly and by surprise. It’s a culminating moment for a mama. It’s a theater screen in my mind as I play back snapshots and soundbytes of our son from womb to graduation. All of the anticipation of “who will this child be?” during pregnancy didn’t stop when he was born, it continued through the years. I remember waking up in the middle of the night to nurse felt like an eternity when in reality it was only a few months. There was hardly a food he didn’t like and his little legs and arms resembling chorizos was proof. I remember the crack of his head hitting the hard floor when he woke up before we did in the morning. His love of books, animals, trains, planes, and cars were all nurtured. I remember learning how crushing my admonishment could be in a parent teacher conference. I remember him recounting how hurt he felt for another boy who was being teased and his attempt to include this boy in recess games. The first gifted test he took, he didn’t qualify because he purposefully answered the questions wrong. He challenged a friend in middle school to not cuss. I remember the phone call from the vice principal in middle school because of a fight with a kid who was a known bully. I remember when his voice transformed from the squeaks of youth. I remember him growing his hair out and the curls that ensued. I remember the impact of the world shutting down and keeping him home to learn through a computer screen….I saw his deep need for real fellowship. I painfully witnessed a shunning by a peer and the grace of his response.
I review the woefully cringy “mother of the year” moments and wonder about the scars that remain. “How will those scars impact him?” “In what ways did I ruin him?”
It is too easy to bludgeon myself with questions like this. I am gently reminded of every prayer written and thought and spoken aloud. I knew to lift Justin up to God. I knew to thank God for the privilege of being a mama to this child. Jason and I didn’t get our own relationship right with the Lord until 2017. For the first time we put God in the middle of our marriage and finally put God in the middle of our household and parenting. It has only been five years that we have done the parenting thing right, but our God is so faithful and so good. God accepted our proverbial five loaves and two fish and He blessed it and multiplied the good making our son who he is today. Listening to him pray to bless our meals, listening to him greet and interact with people before service, watching him play with younger children all testify to the Lord that indwells and works in his heart. His smile is a blessing to behold.
A dear friend reminded me that God’s timing is always perfect and indeed it is. I trust God to carry out His plan for Justin’s life. God chose specific people to come around our son and to pour into him. I am excited to see how the Lord will use Him for Kingdom purposes. And I will continue to pray in thanksgiving for our son to excel and focus on all things eternal.
I love you hijo.
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God’s way is perfect. All the Lord’s promises prove true. He is a shield for all who look to him for protection. Psalm 18:30
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Seek his will in all you do, and he will show you which path to take. Proverbs 3:6
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